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Q: Have you ever fallen asleep while watching a movie at a theater before?
Q: How many times did you almost fall asleep during Dark Shadows?
Q: Should Dark Shadows be considered a medically approved treatment for insomnia?
A: Honestly, if I ever develop a sleeping disorder, I want to hear my doctor say, "I've prescribed you Ambien and a copy of Dark Shadows. Please do not mix the two."
Q: Is Dark Shadows really that bad?
A: It's not that it's that bad, it's just so boring. Which, I guess means that it is that bad.
Q: What is Dark Shadows about?
A: For the most part, it's about satisfying the egos of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp.
Q: Aren't there vampires in Dark Shadows? People love vampires.
A: Johnny Depp plays an 18th century vampire named Barnabas Collins. I think. I mean, he's a vampire, but he was cursed to be a vampire instead of the "turned by another vampire"-way that is popular these days.
Q: Who cursed Barnabas to be a vampire?
A: A witch named Angelique (Eva Green), who is in love with Barnabas.
Q: If she's in love with Barnabas, why does she curse him to be a vampire?
A: Because Barnabas doesn't love her. It's a little more complicated than this, but I'll just leave it at that because the chances are you will never see this movie.
Q: Wait, I thought this movie was set during the 1970s?
A: Most of the movie is set in 1972. Barnabas is buried underground for about 200 years and awakes to wacky hijinks.
Q: What kind of wacky hijinks?
A: The kind of, "Oh, the future" stuff we've seen done better in movies from Blast From the Past to Marvel's The Avengers. For example, Barnabas is frightened by a McDonald's sign.
Q: So Barnabas is a comedic character?
A: That's one of the biggest problems with this movie. One minute, Barnabas is staring at a television spouting off lines like, "What sorcery is this?" The next, he's brutally murdering some hippies who make the mistake of being his friend.
Q: Wasn't Dark Shadows a television show?
A: Yes, it was. Though, it appears that very few people have ever seen the television show -- outside of my girlfriend, for reasons I still don't quite understand.
Q: On a boredom scale, what movie were you reminded on while watching Dark Shadows?
A: On a pure boredom scale, Dark Shadows is reminiscent of Ordinary People. To be fair to Ordinary People, my mother made me watch the movie when I was six years old. There is still a little part of me trapped forever in that theater watching Ordinary People, just like there will always be a part of me trapped forever watching Dark Shadows.
Q: If you're going to be blurbed in this weekend's commercials for Dark Shadows, what quote do you think will be used?
A: "Dark Shadows is reminiscent of the Academy Award-winning movie, Ordinary People!" Mike Ryan, The Huffington Post
Q: Does Barnabas seek revenge against Angelique? Does he use his vampire powers to try to destroy her?
A: Barnabas uses his business knowledge in an attempt to destroy her stake in the fishing industry. Also: I'm serious. This is what Dark Shadows is about. I'm reading that sentence over and over, thinking, Is that right? That can't be right.
Q: If I see Dark Shadows, will I hear "Top of the World" by The Carpenters in its entirety?
Q: Are there any cameos from musicians playing themselves?
A: For reasons that I will never understand, Alice Cooper is in this movie. That's really nothing against Alice Cooper, but -- like all human being who were alive in 1972 -- the real Cooper has aged 40 years. Even though he's playing a version of himself that should look 24, not 64.
Q: What was worse: an older Cooper playing a younger version of himself in Dark Shadows or an older Elvis Costello playing a younger version of himself in 200 Cigarettes?
A: Elvis Costello.
Q: Is the phrase "dark shadows" spoken in Dark Shadows?
A: Yes. Barnabas speaks the sentence, "Dark shadows of one's soul." Which I can only assume is a reference to the part of the soul that is aware real-life human beings might spend money to see this movie.
Q: Wait, aren't there a lot of good actors in this movie? Like Michelle Pfeiffer, Jackie Earle Haley and Chloë Moretz?
A: Yes, all of those people are good actors and, yes, all of those people are in Dark Shadows. How that correlates here, I'm not sure.
Q: What's the limit on how many times I should see Marvel's The Avengers before I see Dark Shadows. In other words: If I've seen The Avengers seven times, should I see Dark Shadows instead of seeing The Avengers for an eighth time?
A: If those are your only two options, I seem to be having a hard time finding the symbol for infinity on my keyboard.
Q: What's the best thing about Dark Shadows?
A: That I'll never have to see it again.
Q: On a scale of one to ten, how worried are you that Warner Bros. will hold your hatred of Dark Shadows against you when The Dark Knight Rises is released?
Q: If you were forced at gunpoint to say something nice about Dark Shadows, what would you say?
A: I'd say "Holy shit, man. Why is my opinion about Dark Shadows eliciting such an extreme response? It's not worth it. Please, let me live! I have a pet turtle, who will feed it? OK, OK, the movie is aesthetically pleasing at times! Please put that gun away!"
Q: Did anything good come out of seeing Dark Shadows?
A: Yes. Immediately after the screening, a few colleagues and myself developed a new game called, "How much would someone have to pay you to sit through that movie again right now?" The consensus with Dark Shadows was $60.